Coping with Loss

    Moving away from my friends has been especially hard. I miss them all like crazy. One of my dearest friends, Kristina, moved away the week after we did. They moved to South Korea for three years. Honestly, it is killing me. I miss their whole family. We used to get together a couple times a week. They were kind of our family away from our family.

 

 

Liam, me, Kristina, & Eun Chai

    My children are missing them something fierce, too. I am coming to realize that loss is a part of life, though. I think it is even an important part of life.

I was thinking about that as I was driving to school yesterday. I was feeling the weight of this loss of friendship as I was driving and pondering on the idea of loss in general. A family that used to be in our ward lost their baby to a fire and the dad was mentioning how they would have been celebrating their child's first birthday this week. Another friend shared how they just lost their sister to cancer this week. Each and every one of us experiences loss many times throughout our lives, whether it be big or small. I know it is natural, but I also feel there is some greater purpose behind it. I believe it is important for our development. 

    I am not good at loss. Not at all. So, though often people blog about things they know a lot about, I am blogging today about something I know nothing about. My coping techniques are awful when it comes to loss. It is a such a deep pain that I often ignore it, but I know this is terribly unhealthy. 

    I am sure there are other people out there who struggle with knowing how to deal with loss, so I thought I would pose a question out to my readers in search of a way for us to all help each other. I love to learn from other people. Each person has a unique way of dealing with the experiences that come their way, and we all have so much to gain from each other. Though my losses that I am dealing with right now are comparatively small, they are still mine. They still hurt. And I know there are others out there with even bigger losses that are looking for ways to cope, as well, so I figured it would be helpful to ask how people cope with loss on here so others can benefit from it, too.

I would love if you would be willing to leave comments on one or both of these questions.

1) How do you cope with loss?

2) Have you or anyone you know ever had an situation with loss where you have gained or grown from the experience?

If you want to share in private instead, here is my email: jillflythe@gmail.com

Thank you in advance for your courage in sharing!

Assateague Revisited

Crikey! Life is crazy sometimes, isn't it? I don't know if I should play catch up since I haven't blogged in awhile, or just move forward. Hmm... maybe quick recap and move forward. I like that.

We camped yet more in July. Assateagued two weekends in a row with two different families that we love.

We went with the Maglebys the first weekend. I was out swimming and saw a dorsel fin go by. My first thought was - shark. But it felt friendly for some reason and was swimming by so I just stayed out there. Then Will came out by me and we saw that they were dolphins! There was a pod of about 15 or so swimming right by us. It was incredible. Like some enchanted feeling. The kids saw jellyfish and we saw many sting rays. It was wildlife weekend. We boogey boarded. We went bike riding and laughed around the campfire at night when the kids went to bed. Our friends just moved to Korea for the next three years so it was nice to have this last hurrah with them.

The following weekend we went with the Gordons. My friend, Karen, had never been boogey boarding, so that was a fun new venture. We walked on the beach collecting shells. This year we didn't get attacked by wild horses, so that was a plus. We went into Ocean City and saw some sand art and some kind of kite flying thinger jigger. Good times. It is now officially a yearly tradition for us to go to Assateague with them.

Ocean City. I dug the Jesus sand art.

We realized that this summer we camped six weekends in a row!! It was so crazy, but seriously one of the best summers I have ever had. Unfortunately, though, we were completely exhausted by the following week when we had to pack up and move. Because of our constant camping, we didn't have much of a chance to pack before the moving week. We packed our whole house in three days! Thank goodness for friends who helped with kids or feeding us or loading the truck. We moved on a Thursday. We finished moving Kari and Doug into their place (along with many Goodwill and dump runs). The next day we moved Amanda and Brenna into their apartment. My dad and stepmom came in to visit that night. Saturday Valarie (my stepmom) and I cooked all day long for Tommy's missionary farewell luncheon the next day. The following week we cleaned out and painted our house. Then we cleaned out Kari and Doug's old house. Tommy left that week on his mission. Then we tried unpacking, too. It was the most exhausting two weeks ever!! I am sooo glad to be through that time. We are adjusting to our new life now. It is still a big transition, but I feel so good about it, and it is going better than I even pictured.

Fourth of July Follies

My favorite holiday is Independence Day. By far my favorite holiday. Most people miss their families when they are away at Christmas. Not me. During the Fourth of July is when I get weepy. All day long I think about what the family is probably doing right now. This year I didn't want it to be like that. I decided to pull off a week of Independence Day fun to distract me and keep me from wishing I was there. It was a great success. We had a blast. Every day that week we did something themed around the Fourth.

We had many Fourth of July themed meals and snacks. 

Those pinwheel cookies were a challenge to make, but so rewarding when they came out.

For Family Home Evening Evee was in charge of the snack, so she dipped and decorated those strawberries.

And that magical striped drink was pretty cool. Just make sure you fill the cup with ice before pouring. 

We lit off fireworks with our neighbors. The little neighbor boy, Adam, kept shouting, "Do it again!" after each one. Liam ran in the house and hid once the bigger ones came out.

We pulled together a last minute Fourth of July camping trip. Everywhere to camp was booked up, so we just left in hopes of something working out. Sure enough, every time we decide to throw caution to the wind and go, something works out. And it tends to be more of an adventure than if we had been able to do it the regular old dependable way.
We are doing Park Quest again this year. Maryland offers a certain number of families access to state parks to be able to do quests at each one. Twelve of the twenty-four quests must be completed by Labor Day to go to the big family picnic/activity at the end of summer. So our Park Quest passport brought us to yet another state park. On the fourth we went to Rocky Gap State Park. Will took the kids camping there last summer, but it was my first time. I loved it. With our pass we were able to rent two canoes for free (only three people can go in a canoe). Liam sure didn't like it, but the rest of us had fun. The wind was so strong, and because Will and I each had only small children in the canoes with us, we both weighed down the back of the canoes making the wind push up under the front of the canoes. We discovered that by canoeing backwards when the winds came we were able to go against the wind without any problem because the back end sunk into the water due to our large hineys. I'm sure we looked pretty weird out there rowing backwards, but hey, if it works...

 On Lake Habeeb. You gotta say that name out loud. Too fun, right?

After canoeing we swam at the beach and played on the playground. We searched around a few places, and finally found some super cheap camping at Paw Paw Tunnel, which is a mile long tunnel on the C&O Canal Trail. So of course we had to hike to the other end of the tunnel, too. Cool thing was some random drunk guys came and shot off big ol' fireworks near where we were camping. Maybe not legal or so safe, but we dragged our sleeping bags over and watched. Belle said that was her favorite part of the trip.

Since Belle and Will's backpacking trip, when we go camping they sleep in their hammocks and the younger two and I sleep in our smaller tent.

The next day we hit up another quest at the Washington Monument.

This monument is right off the Appalachian Trail where Will and Tommy hiked for a few days, so we hiked along some of the trail just to check out a bit of what they had hiked.

After the Monument we went to South Mountain Creamery where you can watch (and smell) the cows while you eat delicious ice cream.

Upon seeing the cows Liam plugged his nose and said, "Ew, gross." Even later when he saw this picture of the cows all he said was, "Poop." 

Then we watched fireworks that night at the Antietam National Battlefield. It was incredible, I tell ya. First they had a concert by the Maryland Symphony, which was quite marvelous. Immediately following were the fireworks. It was by far the longest firework show I had ever witnessed. The finale was so intense I said to Will while it was going, "I can't handle the stimulus overload!" All the while they were blasting off cannons. It was amazing. Definitely worth a repeat.

We toured pretty much all of Maryland in those two days. We were all over the place, but it was so fun. It ended up being one of my happiest Independence Days ever.

Loads of Camping

We have been camping so much lately that I have not had a chance to blog...or do much of anything else. Literally I get a couple loads of laundry done and we pack them up to go again. Luckily camping is at the top of my favorites list. Will has been out of work for a bit while waiting for his license to come in (Which it did yesterday. Yay! Will is officially a therapist! Doesn't feel real though, yet.), so we have decided to take that open time and play hard. It has been lovely. I feel happy and blessed. Today I am prepping for another camping trip tomorrow.

Here's from some of our latest adventures:

We have been on many day hikes in addition to these camping trips. I tell you what - party on!

Just wondering when all this is going to catch up to us....

Belle's First Backpacking Adventure

A couple weeks ago Will took Belle on her first backpacking adventure. They hiked seven miles along the C&O Canal and then slept in the hammocks that Will made that night. In the morning they hiked another three miles. I am thrilled that my little lady could do all that and have such fun doing it.

Evee, Liam, and I had our own adventure. We hiked along our river. We also had a great time.

The Rose Ball

I went dancing last night with this cool dude:

Every year our church puts on a dance called the Rose Ball. It's a formal-ish dance for the adults. They hire a local jazz band to play for us and have entertainment laced in amongst the dancing throughout the night. This year they hired a Polynesian performance group to show dances from various Polynesian Island countries while dressed in full costume. So fun. They also had two professional Samba dancers perform and then they had two couples dance with them while being judged like Dancing with the Stars. The cultural hall is decorated like a wedding with white lights and paper lanterns. This year they also had the pathway to the cultural hall lit up with an archway to the entrance. There is always a nice spread of food, too. We had a fabulous time. Will had me giggling like a school girl with all of his silly dance moves. I love that after ten years he can still make me laugh like that.

Rose Ball past 

Color Run

Color Run with some of my girls last week. So fun.

We had to wait forty minutes before we even crossed the start line because there were that many people there. Luckily they were playing some good tunes, throwing out freebies, blowing bubbles everywhere, and I had the company of some very lovely ladies.

This is us post race. I normally start races off with whomever I came with and then run solo so I can get into my own rhythm. This time one of my friends ran in sync with me. It was actually quite nice to have company. It kept me distracted and I was able to run the full distance. I know, should be easy, right? It's only a 5k. I was out of shape and had only started running again two weeks earlier. I'm a bump on a log in the winter, get over it!

They gave us chalk to toss in the air at the finish line. We tossed at the same time and danced in the falling colors. Lovely lovely colors.

Education to Change the World

This is the number one reason I go to school....

Nelson Mandela, you rock my world!

My Brother

In Relief Society (a block of time where the women meet together during church) we discussed a talk from Elder Holland that I love.  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng -this is the talk. In it Elder Holland talks about mental illness. It's a beautiful talk. I recommend the read. Anyway, so we were discussing mental illness in our class and one women shared her thoughts on the people she worked with who had mental illnesses. As she was saying that she loved them and sometimes tried to imagine what they would be like without their illness, my eyes filled with tears. All I could imagine in that moment was my brother.

My brother was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. When his birth mother was pregnant with him she drank alcohol. This wreaked havoc on his brain. The frontal lobe is the most affected when alcohol is consumed during pregnancy. The frontal lobe is where our impulse control is located and what affects our behavior. My brother has always had to deal with this. He is mentally coherent. He understands what he has. But his capacity for behavior control is very limited. As a result of that he has often made poor choices that have landed him in a struggle with drugs and in and out of detention centers and jail. I'll never forget the question he asked me when he was a child: "Why did God do this to me?" That question haunts me still to this day. I told him that it wasn't God who did this to him, but his birth mother. Regardless of how it has happened he still has to deal with this battle on a level I can't even fathom. My life is so easy compared to his. He has to work a hundred times harder for his life to be good and happy. I wish I could change it for him. I love him.

So when that woman said that, I just for a moment imagined my brother without his illness. I know him. He is so tender and loving. His real person is good and gentle. He is so dear with his nieces and nephews. That's really him. If only he didn't have FAS he could be like that all the time. I wish that for him.

Then the teacher closed with Elder Holland's testimony and it is beautiful:

"I testify of the holy Resurrection, that unspeakable cornerstone gift in the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ! With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that which was sown in corruption will one day be raised in incorruption and that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power. I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally 'free at last.' Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show 'compassion one of another.'"

So this Easter will hold a special, newer meaning to me. The Resurrection represents a new life for my brother. One free from pain and sorrow. One where the true man will be "free at last".

*FYI - I let my brother read this before I posted it, and he was okay with me sharing it. 

Visit From the Little Green Man

In our home there is a naughty little green man. For most people he only visits on St. Patrick's Day, but in our home he does naughty things year round. He is the thief of the other sock. He is the one who eats the rest of the treats while the kids are sleeping (you see where I'm going with this?). When things turn up missing or broken inexplicably, the blame falls to this little guy. Will created the fall guy for all the misdeeds randomly when Belle was only two and he quickly became linked to the leprechaun.

So, I love holidays. When I say love I mean love holidays. We had a little fun with St. Patrick's Day this year.

The little green man dyes our milk green in the night and last year my niece, Brenna, got green dye on her fingers while doing it. In the morning when Belle asked why she had green fingers, she quickly played it off by saying she didn't wear green to bed that night, so the leprechaun colored her fingers. This is now a thing. If the kids don't wear green to bed, the little green man sneaks up and colors their fingers while they sleep. But on the plus side, he leaves them a box of Lucky Charms for breakfast.

For home school I asked Belle to come up with a plan to catch the leprechaun. She thought of various ideas, sketched them out, and put it into action. We have had seriously problems with mice at this house. It's old and has many entry points. Plus, it is across the road from a large open field. These mice are no ordinary mice. They are "acrobatic mice" as my neighbor puts it. They are so clever and we have had struggles trying to catch them. Will has plotted and created various traps. A lot of Belle's leprechaun catching traps resembled some of Will's mouse catching traps. She finally decided on one where we fill the sink with water and taped brown paper across to look like a strong bridge but breaks when the leprechaun steps on it. Then splash! he falls into the water. She lured him out with Fruit Loops. And thoughtfully enough she put bubbles in the water so he could have fun playing while he was trapped.

Well, we didn't catch him, but he left behind evidences of his visit.

 By the way, if you notice the yellowish color in and on the toilet, that is not pee. It is gold glitter. :) Belle came up with her own thought about the glitter everywhere. She thought it was fairy dust and started putting it on herself and made wishes. There is a reason she thought this was fairy dust. Last year when she lost her first two teeth she left a note for the Tooth Fairy. Here's a picture of it (it's folded from being in my journal):

"Tooth Fairy, please marry the leprechaun, then you could have a family and some babies."

She was hoping if the Tooth Fairy married the leprechaun it would calm him down and he would stop being so naughty. So she figured the "fairy dust" left behind was an indicator that the little green man must have married the Tooth Fairy. I absolutely love the imagination of children!

We were lucky this year. We had two St. Patrick's Day dinners of corned beef and cabbage. One at my sister's and one at some friends. Though St. Patrick's Day is kind of an obscure holiday, I love it. It is my second favorite holiday right behind Independence Day. Maybe if there were fireworks involved it would rise to the top. :)

Chastain Dinner

This is only a couple weeks behind....alas, that is my life while I am in school.

We had a lovely themed dinner at our church with friends a couple weeks ago. Each group picks their theme and creates food, costumes, and decorations to match it. We had totally rad table leaders who came up with the 80s themed idea and provided most of the decor for us. We had a tubular time.

 Our fearless, creative, and talented leaders

 Kristina having a rockem sockem face off with Sister Pascoe 

(a sister missionary who is the bees knees)

 

These ladies are just a few of my favorite people.

....and the men. Ow ow!

 

I love this shot my friend got of us. Poor Will hates the 80s, 

but in his defense he did pop his collar and peg his pants. ;)

 

Those wings on that hair took a ridiculous amount of hairspray. 

Eat your heart our Kelly Kapowski!

 

 Some rad decor. Seriously, my only contribution were the rubics cubes.

By the way, that boombox was drawn with on with a sharpie marker. 

Talent, right?

I love the "Big" piano. 

Another friend who couldn't make it made us a mixed CD of 80s 

songs to help set the mood.

 

Can you even believe these are cookies?

 

 Pizzas for dinner with these bodacious friends. 

And what are the 80s without a little thriller?

The side head bob

The guys working Thriller

These Vanna Whites displaying our trophy.

Becoming a Liberal

So, politics can sometimes be a touchy subject. However, this subject is one of importance to me. My interests are largely based on how power structures impact people - hence the reason I am studying Political Anthropology. So, I figured it's time to let this cat out of the bag. I am not a Republican, and I am not a Democrat. I don't fully support either side, not a big party person. But if I had to default to one, it would be Democrat because I am definitely more of a liberal. This may not be stunning to some, but I know it had shocked and bothered many people I know and love. So while my loved ones are coming to know that I am a liberal, they do not understand why.

Growing up LDS in Utah where most people are Republicans and definitely swing to the right, I did, too. I would even say the Utah LDS culture ties a certain level of morality to which party one supports.
*Notice I say culture, not individual people or the religion.
I think my family may have even wondered if I've gone off the deep end. However, the LDS church does not support one party. A member is allowed to affiliate with any party. For me liberalism fits more closely to what I believe and what my church teaches.
*Notice the emphasis on "for me" - meaning it is absolutely okay if conservatism fits more closely with what your belief and religion (including the LDS church)  may be.

Let me finally explain how.
As I have mentioned before people are my passion. I have many flaws - oh, so many - but one of my strengths is compassion. When I learn of someone's circumstances I can't help but try to think how this may be affecting that person internally. I feel pain and sorrow for that person. In my education I have been given soo many wonderful opportunities to learn about various types of people. I have learned about people all over the world and right here in our backyard. I have studied often about power distribution, marginality, and many other forms of oppression. I have taken classes in the political sciences learning about political structures here in the United States and in various countries around the world. The awesome opportunity I have with my schooling is to study and see the functioning of these political structures in my classes in political science and then I get to see how these political structures impact groups of people through my classes in anthropology. I cannot tell you how much I love this. Learning about these topics burns a fire in me that will not shut off. As I have come to learn about the impact of politics on various groups of people I have compassion. It compels me to do something, to make a change. There are so many pains and hardships that people experience around the world that are completely unnecessary. Now I am not saying people should not experience trials, because I don't believe that. Trials are a way of growth and strength. However, there are some things that are caused by men (and women;) ) that need not be.

To many of my friends politics means a certain attitude about abortion or homosexuality, and that's fine. If those topics are important to you, then by all means fight for it. I am a big believer in fighting for things you believe in even if they are different than my own. Passion is good. Change is good. Stagnation and apathy - not so good. So go ahead, believe differently than me. I respect and appreciate that. When I discuss things with people who have different beliefs than I do I love it. It makes me reassess what I believe and gives me a different perspective. Hopefully I have made it clear that I am not bashing any one set of beliefs.

Anyhow, so while those topics may be of importance to those I interact with and I do have opinions on them, they are not nearly as important to me. (Go ahead - gasp now). My passion is for helping eliminate oppression.
I am thoroughly interested in social movements. They aren't currently very powerful in my own country, but I have seen the incredible changes social movements have made in other countries and it inspires me. Social movements are more associated with the left.
I am a supporter of social programs though I do agree there needs to be a change in the U.S.'s current social programs. The phrase "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" makes me want to scream!!! As I have seen structural and cultural forces that make this bootstrap ideal a near impossibility, I realize something needs to change in that department.  Understanding how politics, racism, ageism, classism, mental illness, psychology, power, and wealth affect people, it is not as simple as it seems. The more I dive into these issues in my education the more complex it all really is.
I don't like when the wealthy (who - for many- have made their money with the use of the poor and middle as their employees) have to pay so little for taxes while the middle class has to pay so much. When the CEO of a mega corporation can make hundreds of millions while their full time employee can't even support their family without government aid, there is something wrong. For this I am a liberal, too. There are many more reasons, but here are the few. Ask me questions if you want. I'm not ashamed of what I feel. And I claim no expertise or permanence in my opinions. I consider myself fairly open minded and am willing to learn from other people as long as it is done in a respectful, non-bashing way. :)

How it ties in religiously for me... I love Christ's example. He spent His time with the meek and downtrodden. He spent his time with the physically and mentally ill. He taught like no one else could or has before how to love, to have charity. One scripture I really love is about a people called the city of Enoch. They lived in what many would call a Utopian society. People loved and cared for one another. I would love to see a society more like their's. And as pie in the sky as it sounds, my dream is to help this world get a little closer to this way of being. Moses 7:18 ":And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them." Wouldn't it be incredible if we could all be more unified like that? It may never happen, but I figure I want to go out of this world trying. This one is good, too: 4 Nephi 1:2-3 "...and there were no contentions and disputations among them, and every man did deal justly one with another. And they had all things common among them; therefore there were not rich and poor, bond and free, but they were all made free, and partakers of the heavenly gift." Yes!! All were made free! I love that.

So there it is. There is just the tip of the iceberg as to why I consider myself a liberal. I hope you can accept it even if it means I may be different from you as my reader. Anyway if we were all the same life would be as boring as nails, wouldn't it?

If you are interested my cousin shared this article that I totally felt I could relate to.
http://www.salon.com/2012/09/10/why_i_left_the_gop/

Playing at the Park

Saturday was glorious weather, and we had a glorious day. It was 57 degrees out. We discovered a new park over by Will's school. We played on the playground and explored in a bamboo forest and little muddy stream (Belle and my favorite part). We got completely soaked and muddy from our adventure, but we sure had fun. Then we met up with Will during his lunch break at school.

Can't wait for spring!